you're not an alcoholic when you ...

1. Bring 70 bucks to a club but end up swiping for another 120 bucks
You tell yourself that you're going to take advantage of Loft@Zouk's One For One Promotional Hours by spending about 62 bucks on a jug of whiskey and coke, so you'll end up with two whole jugs for yourself to enjoy throughout the whole night. By the next hour, you realize you STILL feel like telling DJ Daryl that Bloc Party or Beastie Boys have seriously exhausted the playlist, especially after being played for freaking four weeks in a row. So you whip out your credit card, and you swipe for a jug of beer. That still means two jugs for the less mathematical ones among us. Somewhere between the next hour, a group of bad shape people come hang around next to your table. Tears streaming down your face and your right arm behind your back, for fear that you might sock them in the face by reflex, you walk back to the bar and swipe for another jug of beer so that tomorrow morning, you'll wake up without the memory of said bad shape people. Because it's bad enough you might wake up with a hangover, you really don't want to have a visual recollection of the beasts of the night, that will lead you to hate all humankind and a huge massacre.

So, you're not an alcoholic, you just failed to plan your budget properly and you want to save humankind by putting an end to violence.


2. Go for dinner on a Tuesday and end the night with a "couple" of drinks
Tuesdays are awful days of the week. Mondays, you have every right to hate, because it's the start of the week and marks the end of the weekend holidays. But Tuesdays are filled with the leftover gloom of Mondays and the dawn of the halfway mark in the journey towards Friday. When you're out for dinner on Tuesdays, you're filled with so many mixed emotions and you become confused. And then you suggest to your equally confused friends that maybe, a couple of drinks for dessert will help to ease the confusion. After all, scientists have proved that sugar helps to calm the depressed, and well, beer has sugar. So, you and your friends order a couple of beers each. A few trips to the toilet and a hundred loud laughs later, you sit in your car and realize that you've each had about 10 mugs of beer. And whaddya know, Tuesday is over!

So, you're not an alcoholic, you were just tricked by the confusion that Tuesdays bring, which results in altering your brain to think that a "couple" means "ten".


3. Have lunch with your brother and five big bottles of Carlsberg
Afternoons in Malaysia are like facially deformed prostitutes with a really nice body, they're not THAT hot, but they make you want to stab your eyes with a fork and melt into a bubbling heap of death for ever experiencing it. So when you're out bonding with your younger brother over lunch, and the heat of the Malaysian afternoon is making your skin cringe like when said facially deformed prostitute touches your arm, you naturally opt for a mug of cold beer to lower the temperature. But after one mug, you feel like the crappy heat is still enveloping you, much like the facially deformed prostitute who doesn't get your hint when you don’t respond to her nuzzling. So you order more, until finally, the heat dies down when the afternoon is replaced by the evening sun, which is comparable to the facially deformed prostitute finally leaving you and she is replaced by a supermodel.

So, you're not an alcoholic, you just cannot tolerate facially deformed prostitutes.


4. Invite your friend to "supper"
You text message your friend: "Wei, what you doing tonight? Wanna go for 'supper'?". He agrees by replying you with: "Can lah. But I don't want to drink too much tonight". And you're caught off guard. All you wanted was something to eat later at night, but it seems he assumed it was a hint for some beers. Oh dear, what do you do? You cannot possibly disappoint him, worse still lose the friendship. So you both go to Ming Tien and order loh bak, black pepper Taiwanese sausages, curry mee, grilled fish and waffles. As the conversation started to dwindle, you sheepishly order a bottle of Carlsberg, to hopefully salvage the flow of the conversation. By the end of the night, you're laughing and shouting obscenities at random strangers.

So, you're not an alcoholic, you're just a victim of social obligations.


5. Attend dinners where the main course is Johnnie Walker Black Label
Your family is as fucked up a crack whore who underwent a sex change surgery only to have failed miserably and ended up with one tit, two dicks and a vagina on her right thigh. Everyone harbours devious plans to murder each other in the most painful of ways, but everyone has to meet up at least once a year over dinner, to please the one-eyed mother/grandmother/great grandmother. With everyone calling each other by cute nicknames like "Idiot", "Psycho Woman", "Stupid", "Fishball Face", "Bloody Christian", "Stingy Bastard", "Lesbian", "Drug-addict" and "Fuckface", the only way to reduce the possibility of a newspaper headline which reads "Chong Family Brutally Murdered in Chinese Restaurant - By Each Other" is by consuming a hefty amount of whisky. And wine. And beer. (And toddy, if we’re in Gopeng.) By the end of the night, everyone is holding hands, singing oldies, laughing very loudly and looking like stupid Chinese people with inferior skin structures that turn red from alcohol consumption.

So, you're not an alcoholic, you just want to bond with your family peacefully.


6. Pour half a cup of Chivas into your cooking
You're by the stove, allowing that steak/pork chop sizzle evenly in a pan over fire. The meat has been marinated with a special concoction of herbs and sauces, and the aroma of the blend fills the kitchen. All of a sudden, you're struck with an idea: How about a dash of whiskey to bring out the flavour? You run to grab a bottle of Chivas, and due to the exhaustion, your hand shakes and you "accidentally" pour about half a cup in. Meat turns out perfectly and everyone is very happy.

So, you're not an alcoholic, you're just practising innovative culinary skills.


7. Down shot after shot of duty free Green Label
Your Dad returns from his trip overseas, and as a wonderful gesture, he purchases a 1.5L bottle of Johnnie Walker Green. He presents it to you and the true great daughter that you were, you thanked him and said it was a wonderful gift. Nevermind that he didn't even buy you ANYTHING from that foreign country as a souvenir, at least he thought of you at the airport. That's what counts. So you sit at home and down shot after shot of that single malt whisky until you wake up later with an aching numb in your hands and legs because you fell asleep in a fucking contorted manner which left half your body on the sofa and the other on the floor.

So, you're not an alcoholic, you're just playing the part of a good daughter by appreciating a gift from your Dad.


8. Help your friend finish his bottle of vodka whilst watching DVDs
You're sitting your ass down, staring aimlessly at random objects when your phone receives a text message. Your friend just bought some DVDs and wants to watch it with you, but he also has an unfinished bottle of vodka that needs your help in finishing. Being the ever helpful friend that your were, you offered your company and powerful gut. Nevermind that the movie was one of the most boring pieces of wasted film, at least you fulfilled your obligation as a friend by helping him go through the movie and alcohol.

So you're not an alcoholic, you just wanted to give your friend the joy to say "Now that's money well spent!".


9. Accept an invitation from your friends for some drink
All sorts of liquids are drinks. Tea, coffee, beer and in some countries, cum are drinks. So is it your fault that you thought your friend was inviting you for a cup of tea? No, of course not, you naïve little angel! You arrive your friend's home and suddenly, you realize that they didn't mean tea, they meant alcoholic drinks! You poor thing, there's nothing you can do but oblige and drink with them. When you wake up the next morning with a hangover, you know that although you've been tricked, at least you've done your part in being a good sport.

So, you’re not an alcoholic, your friends just fail to state their agenda clearly.


10. Come up with justifications to prove that you're not an alcoholic
Alcoholics couldn't fucking care less. They'd just drink their lives away without even thinking. See, the fact that you care to sit down and reason with yourself and the public, proves that you're a rational person. Alcoholics are irrational. And they beat up their spouses and attend Avril Lavigne concerts.

So, you're not an alcoholic!



You're only an alcoholic once you start injecting pure alcohol into your veins. And since I'm afraid of injections (Yes, although I can fucking endure 3 hours of tattooing on my back and 11 piercings, I cannot take ONE goddamned blood test), I won't reach that stage. So I will NEVER be an alcoholic. HAH! In your face, well meaning friends and parents and church people!

No, I'm not in denial. Fuck off.


:: Another pointless rambling at 10:35 am ::