.: A little taste of obscurity :.

:: Saturday, August 23, 2003 ::

Su-Yin's Guide to Driving Like A Malaysian

1. Brake as much as possible when you're on the fast lane, because it's a fun chain reaction to start. We all like practising our reflexes anyway.

2. Switching lanes is a breeze, just flip on your indicator and barge into your desired lane. Don't worry about the other drivers in that lane hyperventilating and slamming their brakes, they're simply saying "Hello, welcome to the middle lane!"

3. If a pedestrian starts crossing the zebra crossing, start honking at them. It gives the pedestrians a rhythm to walk to.

4. Motorcyclists are encouraged to weave in and out of traffic. Your mesmerizing patterns relax us drivers. If we don't like it, give us the middle finger because we deserve it.

5. "No Entry" is just a sign that actually means "You may enter if you slap on a dumb look and pretend you didn't see the sign"

6. Same goes for "One Way"

7. It's pretty difficult to see at night. Therefore it is advisable to use your highbeam so it's easier for you to see the road. If other drivers start honking or showing the middle finger, they're simply saying "Oh cool! Pretty lights! Like a rave party!"

8. During peak hours, the lane leading you to a turn may get pretty crowded. But hey, don't worry, just zip past on the other lane and cut into the front of the line later. Pretend nothing happened.

9. Feeling hungry? Look out for a hawker on the left selling goreng pisang, quickly slam on your brakes and get some food! Don't worry the other drivers honking are just jealous you've got money to buy food and they don't.

10. If you're a 30-40 year old man and you're stuck in a jam, and there's a girl in a car next you, it is only a friendly gesture to gawk at her and start laughing. Top it up with "Hi, Ah Moi, pergi mana?". Some girls are rude and they ignore you. Don't be discouraged, laugh at her even more and ask her more questions.

11. Follow the car in front of you closely. It's a friendly gesture like how dogs always smell another dog's arse.

12. Driving a Mercedes or a BMW gives you a Malaysian Roads VIP Membership. Everyone loves and respects you so do whatever you like.

13. Traffic lights:
Red - Go if you feel like it. Pay for the fine later or bribe the coppers.
Yellow - More accelleration. You don't want to pay the coppers if you pass the red light, do you?
Green - Go like a maniac. It's your right.

14. Round-a-bouts are fun! It's a Merry-go-round on the road, so just have fun and be oblivious to other drivers like the child that you are.

15. Ikea is the best place to be this year. You're encouraged to park wherever you feel, because it only shows how much you love Swedish furniture, and if you manage to obstruct traffic, you get a free coloured chair.

16. The rear-view mirror is for checking to see if your mascara has run or if your nostril hairs are too long. You can perform these activities whilst reversing because the obstacles will naturally get out of your way when the reverse sensors come on. It's a new technology that removes walls, cars and other obstacles if you're getting too close.

17. If your lover is sitting on the passenger seat, don't hesitate to show him/her your love by making out. Other drivers will follow your sudden slow pace because we think it's sweet to see love on the streets.

18. Bus drivers - go on the fast lane and then cut back to the left when you need to drop/get passengers. It not only entertains the passengers on the bus, but it also helps other drivers practise their Braking Reaction Time when you swerve.

19. Don't worry too much when it comes to crossing a junction. Depending on the type of person you are, either slowly inch yourself forward or speed your way through - forcing oncoming traffic to slam the brakes. Nothing wakes you up better than the smell of burnt rubber.

20. If in the unlikely event you get into an accident, remember: it is NEVER your fault. Blame aimlessly eg. "The tree is haunted, it jumped out of nowehere into my lane and that's why I swerved into yours" or "I signalled whut, you never see only mah, want to blame me somemore, chow hai".

:: Another pointless rambling at 4:27pm ::

:: Wednesday, August 13, 2003 ::

tequila pop!

Will's got a pimple on his nose. It's one of those mother of pimples on the top of your nose. The ones that are so big, you can't help but stare at it's pus-filled tip. Your first instinct is disgust and you immediately turn away. But for some unfathomable reason, you draw your gaze back at that pimple and you're overwhelmed by an incredible urge to pop it.

Curses. Don't tell me about things so tempting when I'm fucking 6000 miles away from you. Now I can't even concentrate on driving. Or walking. Everyone on the streets seems to be filled with huge pimples tempting my weak being.

"Hi, would you like a soda POP?"
"Yeah, everyone knows I'm the PIMP daddy of Kajang"
"No, I said the BUS is coming, not PUS"
"Ooo, my nose feels oily"
"Oh, I'm OOZING with joy now!"

ARRRGGHHH!!! You sadists! STOP TERRORIZING ME! DON'T MAKE ME JUMP ON ALL OF YOU WITH A PAIR OF TWEEZERS AND GO PIMPLE POPPING CRAZY!!! MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Seriously, I'm sane and am not suffering from any sort of mental trauma.

:: Another pointless rambling at 9:36pm ::

:: Tuesday, August 05, 2003 ::

William Huynh : Love of my Life

I saw you through the bottom of my glass of Chivas and Dry. I hated being here, it was New Year's Eve and I didn't feel like going out at all. Nothing magnifies the feeling of loneliness like being in a group of partying people. Esther even picked out my outfit and forced me to get dressed. Reluctantly I dragged my feet. Every hello I said came with a silent judgement: "You look bitchy", "You're probably going to spend the rest of your life playing card games", "You won't die single ... you'll fall in love with your right hand and occasionally have an affair with your left, you Wanker".

As I let the bittersweet taste of my drink slide down my throat whilst staring intently at you poking fun at Richie. In that instant, I knew you'd fall in love with me. My mind laughed at you - you could never compare to the king that resided in my heart. Still, a part of it wanted to see who you were.

How we were to know that we'd be here, 7 months later? Hugging you tightly I felt the immense sadness that flowed through your body. Flashes of memories and images flickered in my mind - the nights you held me close to keep me warm, the noons we spent at the park having lunch and you'd burn the flies to "protect me", the beauty of your face when you first told me you loved me, the time I realised that you were the King of my heart, the heart attacks you give me when you do a reverse park at 80km/ph, the times you took me to GoodBerry's when I was upset, the dinners I made that you finished to the last morsel, that cute dance you perform for me eventhough it embarasses you, the innocence I feel when you kiss my forehead, the safety I feel when you wrap your arms around me, the concern you'd have for me when I injure myself although if the same thing happened to you I'd laugh for weeks and tell everyone about it, the days we'd spend at Tradies playing Poker Machines till we got tired, the amount of times you get sick from too much dairy yet you can't stop yourself from getting a milkshake, the bright look on your face when you see freshly steamed corn cobs, how you'd kiss me every 5 minutes when we're out for coffee with the gang because you know I'm annoyed that you're busy playing Blackjack on Richie's phone, how you'd seek protection from me when Anthony tickles your nipples, the unfathomable beauty that resides in your brown eyes, how you still say I'm beautiful even though I look like I was dragged under a cow through the mud (maybe you're just a good liar), how you'd try to speak a few Malay words to make me laugh, throwing a punch at each other when a there's a Punch Buggie, how we molested and tormented the figurines at the War Memorial, the embarrased look on your face when Esther flirts with you in front of me, the time we did it on Darin's bed to teach him a lesson for being a fucking dickhead ... That's fucking teamwork, baby! And now our physical selves have to be separated because you're Australian and I'm Malaysian. Why can't Dr Mahathir and John Howard fall in love and we can be one country?

I know the last teardrop will never fall as long as we're apart. Come here soon. I'll be over later.

:: Another pointless rambling at 3:45pm ::