shitty teevee

What the fuck is up with reality television shows anyway? Every time I veer away from Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network or Discovery, I get assaulted by some stupid Reality TV bullshit. It usually has some stupid ho bawling her eyes out or some metrosexual dude otherwise known as Fancy Pansy™ expressing his feelings, vying for some random prize like being the slave to a tycoon with a dying prairie dog on his head or a singing contract for all the karaoke masters who can't make it big because they're too bad shaped.

What the fuck. When I turn on the television, I want to be entertained, not tortured. I want to be slapped with larger than life situations, fast cars that make me wet, luxurious houses that I can only dream of and hot looking people that make me tear every time I look in the mirror.

I don't want to see fucking losers with less than perfect faces crying. I don't want to see pansy ass metrosexual fuckers looking like bad shaped dykes trying to win Malaysian Idol. And I sure as fucking hell don't want to turn on the television to see the that newlywed ass chinned blonde haired dumb fuck of a reason why humanity should be massacred in a brutal manner involving Tim repeating his trademark "to be honest with you" line repeatedly whilst we're all sober because we, the supposed intelligent species, should be punished for actually fucking put that bitch on television.

Because when I turn on the television, I expect to keep my eyes, not gorge them out with a rusty fork after I'm done stabbing it into my neck before pouring cyanide in. I want to escape reality, not kill myself because of it.

Fucking hell, if I wanted to see the daily life of the world's ugliest and sinfully ignorant couple, I'd walk out of my fucking house and knock on my neighbour's door. If I wanted to listen to hideously deformed, sexually unattractive, second grade singers belt out a random pop ballad in the key of Spasming Hyena Being Brutally Whipped By The Loincloths Of A Leprosy Ridden Tribal Outcast Named Eminem Ndugunatan, I'd fucking go down to the sidewalks of Kotaraya, a random kindergarten concert or to your little brother's choir performance during Hari Kanak-Kanak. And really, if I wanted to see a saggy old ho crying, I'd tell my Mom I'm pregnant.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? You want to watch real life people carrying out daily real life chores with real life emotions in real life situations? FUCKING GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Yeah, that's it. Get off your fat fucking ass, smooth out the damn ass imprint on the sofa, wear some clean clothes and waddle outside. Because last I heard, real life events happen in oh my God, guess where? REAL LIFE, you nitwits.

I get my daily dosage of love triangles, suicide attempts, slutty endeavours, jackass moments, emo gao gao stories, drunken brawls, indecent exposures, poseur acts, Keling marital affairs, sappy Wah Lai Toi infatuation episodes, sohai jokes, aging fuckers acting as hip young people, bullshit yet seemingly intelligent philosophical quotes, bad shape freaks oh holy mother of God did you fucking see that walking proof that humans should fucking stop breeding with animals oh fuck can I please point and yell profanities with a few bursts of laughter damn that be some bad shape freak, bad show singing acts and freestyle stupidity from real life. Fuck, my life makes a hell of a lot better drama than anything on the television these days. And it comes with abundant supply of alcohol too. So fuck Reality TV man.

I mean, all I ever do is sit at home or go out to dinner/yumcha sessions and the occasional (I'm telling the truth I swear) drink, and STILL I get wicked drama hurled my direction:


1. My brother Shaun is some unexplained hottie or something, since random chicks are either throwing themselves at him, crying themselves to sleep, pulling violent U-turns on the street or naming their firstborn after him. Fucking funniest comedy, especially when Arnold makes a cameo wtf.

2. I'm in some sort of covert operations with some dude. I'm apparently having an affair with him, and we do it in the secret confines of random pubs/clubs in the Klang Valley. Actually, according to rumours, I mean the world to him. But I've only met him like, THREE times in FOUR months. Great mystery drama, this.

3. My Dad thinks Tim is cute and fucking talks to him IN NOTHING BUT HIS FUCKING TOWEL. I don't even know if this is some bad show Homosexual Porn or just plain Horror.

4. Let's not forget my damn accident. The blood, the pain, the emotional mother, the happening scars, the broken bones, the neck brace, the wrecked car, the surgery, the Doraemon parody ... if this ain't the year's most happening action-packed thriller, then that means I haven't been to the movies lately.

5. Michelle is always threatening to slit her wrists so she makes fantastic Teen Suicides : When You're Pushing Your Kids Too Hard documentaries.

6. Tim has to fight for his survival everyday at work, as one of his colleagues is some fucking fat ho who strikes oil when she walks in high heels. So watching her eat is a bloody Steve Irwin program, except that Tim says "Cwikey" instead of "Crikey" because he's a retard.

7. Hatim has to fend off killer gnawing cats, a demented younger brother bent on beating the shit out of random objects in the house, random Indian dudes who harass him at pool parlours, some fucking crazy ho who forces copious amounts of alcohol into him, and his own chronic overwhelming vanity. Normally it'd make for a funky contemporary Kung Fu movie, but his sohai moves and outrageous dressing puts it in the Power Rangers series.

8. Justine is a fucking walking Bloomberg TV. I swear, if you want to know what Steven Tan, the bastard son of Arumugam Jones and Samsiah Binti Sopiah Poh, had for supper last weekend at the Gerai Ranggi Brutal Nenek Joyah somewhere in the outskirts of Kuantan, simply ask Justine. She'll also tell you that Nenek Joyah once fell into the drain after a mad day out for cekodok and teh O with the girls.

9. Jia Meei is forever pulling some Korean drama stunt.

10. Off The Lights Gao Gao Siblings™. The best fucking Glow in the Dark show in the universe. Let's leave it at that, you mahais. And I'm talking to you, Leroy.


That's why I only watch downloaded anime, Family Guy, American Dad and random cartoons, along with a few selected comedies. You all can take my fat ass disabled whiny lisping FUCK YOU whenever you ask me if I watched the latest episode of Who Wants To Shag An Ugly Obnoxious Blogger With Hairy Nipples For Two Bucks.

Then again ...

Adrian makes a damn fucking good Chris Rock.
Tim makes a good Patrick Starfish. Or Dumbo ears.
Misel makes a good Mamimi from Furi Kuri.
Hatim makes a good Ross Gellar. Or Squidward Tentacles. Or Pink Power Ranger wtf.
Daniel makes a good Invader Zim. Or any hentai ottosan character.
Romie makes a good Homer Simpson.
Yoke makes a good Skeletor.
MeL makes a good Jem Hologram.
Jae makes a good Napoleon Dynamite.
Emily's big head makes a good Bubbles Powerpuff.
FeiCipet's underarms make good background bush lands prop for any Miyazaki animation.
Khairul makes a good chibi version of Totoro.
Alvin seriously fucking makes a damn good Drew Carey.
Leroy makes a slightly altered version of Nicholas Wolfwood. Yum.
Darren used to make pretty good Lion-O hair.
Shaun makes a good sleepy eyed Lain from Serial Experiments.
Arnold makes an accurate replica of Raksasa Ultraman. Wtf.




I need a less fucked up life.


:: Another pointless rambling at 10:56am ::